Sorry just had to turn the site off for a little while. Things started to get a little strange so I decided to go into hiding for a while.

But the good news is things are getting sorted slowly.

I move into my new place on Friday, and it looks like I am getting shared custody of the boys. Really Really happy about that.

Also on that note I had both boys for the first time over the weekend and had a blast. I t was awesome spending time with both of them. R has changed so much and is really turning into an awesome little man. A was his usual funny self. Man that kid cracks me up.

So it was an awesome weekend and I am buzzing big time today. Really like this feeling. 

Welly today…

I get days at home then back down again.

So I am up early this morning packing as I am changing hotels, so have to move everything out. Yay…Not.

Also picking up my boss N from the airport at 7:30, so a really early start for me today.

I’ve been coping alot better since outting myself back on my meds, funny that. Also coming to the reliasation that I was being a dick about a few things has helped also.

It’s been a while since my last update. So what’s been happening?

I have been down in Christchurch for two weeks now, and I am starting to struggle. I guess to much time to think about things. Not good. So to help me cope I have started taking my medication again. I was doing really well with it and was down to every other day. But just in the last week I have been struggling to cope.

I rang H last weekend and I have to say I was a complete dick. Just flew off the handle at her. I ended up getting so angry I punched my keyboard so hard that almost all the keys came off and I broke my little finger. Not sure if thats why I am feeling like crap. I guess I am disappointed in myself for getting like that. It doesn’t help things and sure as hell does make me feel any better.

Sunday was a bit brighter, as I have a rental car down here I went for a bit of a drive. I haven’t seen much of the south island, so I drove up to Kaikoura to get fish and chips. Was a great drive and really gave some nice time to relax and not think about all the crap going on. I stop in to see a friend from work who has a place there and had a great couple of hours just talking about crap. Was great relaxation.

On the way home they suggested I try the “Inland Road” to come home on. Bloody glad that I did…What a great road…Hardly any traffic and nice open road. Had a great time. Can’t say as much for the rental. I worked it pretty hard.

Been a busy week and on Thursday I found out that I have to be here another week. Not a happy camper about that. That makes four week I am down here. Grrr. So I get to go home for three days on the 9th and then back down on the 12th. But I guess I get to watch Bathurst at home!!

I am meant to be going to a work BBQ today but I had a meltdown this morning and don’t really feel like seeing anyone. So I am sitting in the Warehouse feeling sorry for myself. I might head out to New Brighton beach and go for a walk soon. Hopefully that might help clear things in my head.

One high point lately is I have started calling the boys every night. Great to talk to them…Hard to talk to R as all I get is “Hi Daddy”. But melts my heart anyway.

Ok crying again now so gonna leave things there.

So I have made it through another week.

There is still no news on the house, just waiting now for something to happen. H and I have agreed on the list of things I am taking from the house. I will be moving these out on the 10th once I am back from Christchurch. Going to be a nasty day that but I am determined to get through it and not have a breakdown….

I am also still waiting for my truck to be fixed. All the suspension work has been done and I am just waiting on the panel and paint to be done. It’s likely that I won’t see it till I am back, which is a bit of a bummer. Really missed having wheels, but thanks to M from work for lending me a car. Been great to get out and about again.

I had A stay over the weekend, was great to see him and spend some one on one with him. He does the best things. He randomly came up to me and gave me a big hug, was frickin’ awesome. Loved it. As I have said before I can’t wait to get my own place so I can spend more time with not just A, but R as well.

I have been coping really well on the depression front, things haven’t been getting on top of me to much. Have had a couple of minor downers, but seemed to recover really quickly. So thankfully things are starting to look up….

But as someone said to me the other day…I have lots of luck…Not always good…

Another week gone and another week with no closure.

The tenders for the house closed on Thursday and to say I was disappointed would be a major understatement. The closet one was just on $60k short of the asking price. In fact both of them were less than the rateable value of the house. Not great.

And low and behold this nailed me and I got really down. I really just want and end to all of this so that I can start to get my life back into some sort of order.

I also went to see the bank yesterday to see if they would drop the $21,500 fee they are charging us to settle the mortgage. And was pretty much told to bugger off. Not happy about that.

But on a better note, I am having A to stay over tonight. Really looking forward to spending sometime with him. Just would like to do the same with R, but can’t till I get a place of my own.

So it looks like the house will be sold very soon. We ahould know for sure this coming Thursday. So I have been looking around for a new place to live.

Man there are some expensive places around. I looked at one place last week that had really good sized bedrooms but the living area was so small you would have only got a two seater and a TV in and that would have been it. All for $500 a week…Ummm no thanks.

So still looking around.

Just sitting at work doing some server upgrades at the moment. It would be one of the nicest days we have had for ages and I am stuck inside. Crap, hate it when that happens. Just been for a walk to get a drink and it is so nice outside…. As they say “You can’t beat Wellington on a good day” and today is one of those days.

Here’s a couple of pictures I took while out on my walk.

Another busy week ahead, I’m heading down to Chch on thursday for the day. These day trips also wipe me out. It’s not a long flight but there is something about them that gets me. Also on Thursday the tenders for the house close so we should hear something, hopefully positive, back about it on Friday.

Then I am in Welly for a week then off to Chch for three weeks.

Things on the depression front seem to be better at the moment. I have only had one episode in the last couple of weeks. So feeling pretty good about that. Also my sleeping seems to be much better since my operation. Not sure if I am snoring less, no one around to tell me, but I seem to be sleeping all night and waking up refreshed. A nice change.

Also my weight lose seems to be helping me as well. I do feel so much better since loosing the 21Kg’s, but I need to be really careful I don’t put it back on. I have started to get my hunger back, so just need to watch what I eat. Don’t wanna get fat again.

Here I am back in Christchurch. Seems to be almost a second home for me at the moment.

And I have just had a breakdown. Just finished reading back over some of the posts that I have written hear and they really effected me. I have come so far since the first posts, but strangely don’t feel much better. I know I am going to have days where I feel like this but for some reason things have just got on top of me today. And considering I am writing this at 6am, it’s not a great way to start the day.

I really don’t know how I am going to get through all this crap. Just want it all to stop and go away. Just feel like the black fog is overtaking me again. I have changed my medication back up again as I didn’t feel that great after the change. I feel such a failure in having to do that.

Work is starting to get on top of me again. Just wish I could find a rock to hide under and this would all go away. I am really starting to doubt myself again. I need to get my confidence back again. It’s really strange so many people seem to have such great faith in me to get the job done, but in my mind I am really struggling to cope. Just don’t know if I can do it all.

So anyway another month of being alone has gone. But a busy time ahead, so hopefully this will give me something to focus on.

I also feel kinda strange now that I & G are back. They are lovely people and have been a massive help to me, but just feel like I am intruding on their space. Really need to get somewhere of my own.

Ok crying again now and feeling really sorry for myself. Is this ever going to end?

So there’s another week gone. They seem to be going by so fast.

Had another good weekend. Went around to the house and mowed all the lawns before the open home on Sunday. The open home went really well with two offers placed and eight people through. Hopefully the offers are good enough that we can accept them and get the place sold.

I still feel really yak when I go around there. It was great seeing the boys, but there is just soemthing about the place that makes me feel really bad. In all honesty I will be glad to see the back of it.

I have been and looked at a couple of apartments in Wgtn, and I have to say I am starting to change my mind about making that move. They are just so expensive and so small. Really hard after coming from a big place with lots of land. So a change of tack is needed I think. Going to start looking in other places as well. Just need to weight off againist travel costs.

I am sitting in the airport writing this. Heading back down to Chch for a few days. It is really windy here today so is going to be a fun flight out. Always makes for a fun start to the day.

Catching up with an old friend from my motor racing days while I am down in Chch. Don’t think we have seen each other for over 10 years. I am guessing we have both changed alot.

Speaking of changes I have reached my first major goal. I am now 21 kg’s lighter than I was. And man does it feel good. I think this is a good place to stay. Don’t want to loose to much more, but really happy where I am now. Feels great.

On the depression front, I went to to the doctors a week ago and we have reduced my medication down with the plan of being off it within six months. She has said that I will most likely always need to keep some on hand for when I have a bad spell, but doesn’t want me on it fulltime. It was a great buzz hearing her say how far I have come and makes some of the bad times seem so long ago!

So all and all things are looking up. Just need to get myself settled into a place of my own so I can start to have the boys round to stay. Really miss them.

For some reason I am feeling really down today. Don’t know if it’s all the stress from the truck crash catching up with me.

Just really feeling yak… Great word that…. Yak, sums it up nicely.

I watched a segment on the NZ 60 Minutes show on Sunday night that was all about depression. Man was that really hard to watch. So many things they were saying described what I have been going through. I kinda wish that a few people in my life had actually seen it also. But as I haven’t heard anything from them I am guessing they didn’t.

One thing that did leave me feeling a little better was knowing that this is not something that I have to deal with on my own. 1 in 5 people suffer from depression and of those 90% never do anything about it. So I guess I am in a better place than alot of people. Still not enjoying being here, but the light at the ned of the tunnel is looking a little less train shaped.

H has asked me to come over on Saturday and help clean up the section before the open home on Sunday, so now that I have wheels again, I will do that. There has been really good interest in the place, and we should know something in the next couple of weeks as to the number of buyers that are out there. Fingers crossed that we get a good price for it.

So I went up to my Mum and Dad’s place for dinner on Thursday night (mac and cheese…Yum).

Anyway on the way home I had a car come flying up behind me. Didn’t think to much more about it till we came to a slower 50kph zone. This guy was about 2ft from the back of my truck so I tapped the brake lights to say “back off buddy”

At this point he started to flash his lights and generally be a dick. Anyway a bit further up the road he over took me on a double yellow line, which in NZ means NO overtaking. Once in front he jumped on the brakes and started weave all over the road. So I tried to go around him, at which point he drove into the side of my truck.

I backed off again, when he then started to pull over, so I nailed it again to try and get away from him. The last thing I wanted was a fight after having surgery a few days earlier. About 500 mtrs down the road he drove into the back of me spinning both of us into the wire median barrier. What a dickhead. Not only did he total his own car but caused major damage to mine.

I jumped out and immediately rang the police. While I was talking to them he came over and tried to get in a fight with me. All I could smell was the booze. He was pissed. Great.

So once the police arrived he was breath tested and from what I understand he failed BIG time. So back to the Police station I went to make a statement. I didn’t end up getting home till around 2am.

My truck had to be towed as it couldn’t be driven. Went and had a look at it the next day and it’s a bit of a mess. Just about every panel is dented and appears to be some damage underneath.

From my point of view I am sweet as my insurance covers me, but I now have no wheels and possibly face the truck being written off. Just what I didn’t need.

But I am really proud of myself, this hasn’t got me down. Apart from a 5 min breakdown just after the crash I have been feeling good. I hasn’t effected me badly. Hope this is a sign of things to come.