I have decided to go back to using my own blog.

The address www.tock.co.nz

See you there.

I know I have said this before and it hasn’t turned out so…. But things look to have taken a turn for the better!!!

H and I are talking like adults again. Long may it last.

So a happy camper at the moment.

And still I feel like crap.

Is there any end in site for all the shite I am going through at the moment. Doesn’t feel like it. Just when things start to look like they are coming right everything turms to crap again.

So what this time….Well same stuff really. H is making my life a living hell. She seems to be hell bent on sinking me. She keeps on saying that she is only thinking of the boys but I find that really hard to believe.

We had an understanding that while I was paying the mortgage on the house, which has finally sold by the way, I wouldn’t have to pay child support. Then the next I know I get a letter from the Tax Dept wanting me to pay over $1500 the week before Xmas for Oct and Nov Child Support. Now don’t get me wrong I have no issue in paying for my boys, I would give the world for them, but I just can’t afford that sort of money each and every month.

But I have no choice. I have asked several times to start working on a shared custody agreement with her and she just keeps stalling. Her lawyer wrote me a letter months ago with a proposed schedule, which I had my lawyer write up as a formal agreement. H has now refussed to sign this. She says she is sending me another different schedule. But she has been saying this for over three weeks now.

Why does she have all the control? Why does the system here in NZ so favour one party? I am getting screwed each and everyway I go.

So I asked IRD if there was anyway I could get out of paying support for those months as I was paying the mortgage, yup just need H to sign something. And when I asked her to sign it she went right off at me…Saying that it was all about money for me and that is why she had been working 2 jobs for the last 8 years to support me and the boys. What a fucking load of shit.

I earn good money and have done so for the past 5-6 years, so why is it that I never had any money either? oh that right all my money went of things like the mortgage, power, rates etc. Why did I always have to ask her for petrol money? Cause I had nothing….

And for the last six months, I have been paying over $1600 a fortnight so she and the boys had a place to live. And where was I living…Staying with family friends. Now don’t get me wrong I & G have been awesome to me and have probally stopped me doing something really stupid, but I so didn’t want to live there. Why would I? And does this get taken into account with IRD? Not on your life it does.

I am just so angry… What have I done to her to make her like this?

And work… Well there’s another thing…I am just so over the place at the moment. This week I have had one night at home….And I am getting it from all directions there. Don’t know how long I will be staying there in the new year. Really think it’s time for a change. I am good at my job but I am just sick of cleaning up other peoples shit. They fuck up and I have to fix it.

So what to do…Wish I had an answer to that one. Sometimes think this world would be better off without me in it!!

Sorry just had to turn the site off for a little while. Things started to get a little strange so I decided to go into hiding for a while.

But the good news is things are getting sorted slowly.

I move into my new place on Friday, and it looks like I am getting shared custody of the boys. Really Really happy about that.

Also on that note I had both boys for the first time over the weekend and had a blast. I t was awesome spending time with both of them. R has changed so much and is really turning into an awesome little man. A was his usual funny self. Man that kid cracks me up.

So it was an awesome weekend and I am buzzing big time today. Really like this feeling. 

Welly today…

I get days at home then back down again.

So I am up early this morning packing as I am changing hotels, so have to move everything out. Yay…Not.

Also picking up my boss N from the airport at 7:30, so a really early start for me today.

I’ve been coping alot better since outting myself back on my meds, funny that. Also coming to the reliasation that I was being a dick about a few things has helped also.

It’s been a while since my last update. So what’s been happening?

I have been down in Christchurch for two weeks now, and I am starting to struggle. I guess to much time to think about things. Not good. So to help me cope I have started taking my medication again. I was doing really well with it and was down to every other day. But just in the last week I have been struggling to cope.

I rang H last weekend and I have to say I was a complete dick. Just flew off the handle at her. I ended up getting so angry I punched my keyboard so hard that almost all the keys came off and I broke my little finger. Not sure if thats why I am feeling like crap. I guess I am disappointed in myself for getting like that. It doesn’t help things and sure as hell does make me feel any better.

Sunday was a bit brighter, as I have a rental car down here I went for a bit of a drive. I haven’t seen much of the south island, so I drove up to Kaikoura to get fish and chips. Was a great drive and really gave some nice time to relax and not think about all the crap going on. I stop in to see a friend from work who has a place there and had a great couple of hours just talking about crap. Was great relaxation.

On the way home they suggested I try the “Inland Road” to come home on. Bloody glad that I did…What a great road…Hardly any traffic and nice open road. Had a great time. Can’t say as much for the rental. I worked it pretty hard.

Been a busy week and on Thursday I found out that I have to be here another week. Not a happy camper about that. That makes four week I am down here. Grrr. So I get to go home for three days on the 9th and then back down on the 12th. But I guess I get to watch Bathurst at home!!

I am meant to be going to a work BBQ today but I had a meltdown this morning and don’t really feel like seeing anyone. So I am sitting in the Warehouse feeling sorry for myself. I might head out to New Brighton beach and go for a walk soon. Hopefully that might help clear things in my head.

One high point lately is I have started calling the boys every night. Great to talk to them…Hard to talk to R as all I get is “Hi Daddy”. But melts my heart anyway.

Ok crying again now so gonna leave things there.

So I have made it through another week.

There is still no news on the house, just waiting now for something to happen. H and I have agreed on the list of things I am taking from the house. I will be moving these out on the 10th once I am back from Christchurch. Going to be a nasty day that but I am determined to get through it and not have a breakdown….

I am also still waiting for my truck to be fixed. All the suspension work has been done and I am just waiting on the panel and paint to be done. It’s likely that I won’t see it till I am back, which is a bit of a bummer. Really missed having wheels, but thanks to M from work for lending me a car. Been great to get out and about again.

I had A stay over the weekend, was great to see him and spend some one on one with him. He does the best things. He randomly came up to me and gave me a big hug, was frickin’ awesome. Loved it. As I have said before I can’t wait to get my own place so I can spend more time with not just A, but R as well.

I have been coping really well on the depression front, things haven’t been getting on top of me to much. Have had a couple of minor downers, but seemed to recover really quickly. So thankfully things are starting to look up….

But as someone said to me the other day…I have lots of luck…Not always good…

Another week gone and another week with no closure.

The tenders for the house closed on Thursday and to say I was disappointed would be a major understatement. The closet one was just on $60k short of the asking price. In fact both of them were less than the rateable value of the house. Not great.

And low and behold this nailed me and I got really down. I really just want and end to all of this so that I can start to get my life back into some sort of order.

I also went to see the bank yesterday to see if they would drop the $21,500 fee they are charging us to settle the mortgage. And was pretty much told to bugger off. Not happy about that.

But on a better note, I am having A to stay over tonight. Really looking forward to spending sometime with him. Just would like to do the same with R, but can’t till I get a place of my own.

So it looks like the house will be sold very soon. We ahould know for sure this coming Thursday. So I have been looking around for a new place to live.

Man there are some expensive places around. I looked at one place last week that had really good sized bedrooms but the living area was so small you would have only got a two seater and a TV in and that would have been it. All for $500 a week…Ummm no thanks.

So still looking around.

Just sitting at work doing some server upgrades at the moment. It would be one of the nicest days we have had for ages and I am stuck inside. Crap, hate it when that happens. Just been for a walk to get a drink and it is so nice outside…. As they say “You can’t beat Wellington on a good day” and today is one of those days.

Here’s a couple of pictures I took while out on my walk.

Another busy week ahead, I’m heading down to Chch on thursday for the day. These day trips also wipe me out. It’s not a long flight but there is something about them that gets me. Also on Thursday the tenders for the house close so we should hear something, hopefully positive, back about it on Friday.

Then I am in Welly for a week then off to Chch for three weeks.

Things on the depression front seem to be better at the moment. I have only had one episode in the last couple of weeks. So feeling pretty good about that. Also my sleeping seems to be much better since my operation. Not sure if I am snoring less, no one around to tell me, but I seem to be sleeping all night and waking up refreshed. A nice change.

Also my weight lose seems to be helping me as well. I do feel so much better since loosing the 21Kg’s, but I need to be really careful I don’t put it back on. I have started to get my hunger back, so just need to watch what I eat. Don’t wanna get fat again.

Here I am back in Christchurch. Seems to be almost a second home for me at the moment.

And I have just had a breakdown. Just finished reading back over some of the posts that I have written hear and they really effected me. I have come so far since the first posts, but strangely don’t feel much better. I know I am going to have days where I feel like this but for some reason things have just got on top of me today. And considering I am writing this at 6am, it’s not a great way to start the day.

I really don’t know how I am going to get through all this crap. Just want it all to stop and go away. Just feel like the black fog is overtaking me again. I have changed my medication back up again as I didn’t feel that great after the change. I feel such a failure in having to do that.

Work is starting to get on top of me again. Just wish I could find a rock to hide under and this would all go away. I am really starting to doubt myself again. I need to get my confidence back again. It’s really strange so many people seem to have such great faith in me to get the job done, but in my mind I am really struggling to cope. Just don’t know if I can do it all.

So anyway another month of being alone has gone. But a busy time ahead, so hopefully this will give me something to focus on.

I also feel kinda strange now that I & G are back. They are lovely people and have been a massive help to me, but just feel like I am intruding on their space. Really need to get somewhere of my own.

Ok crying again now and feeling really sorry for myself. Is this ever going to end?